Previously: Our heroes were transported to a prison planet while fighting A.I.M.. The Badoon wish to test the Champions to see if Earth is ripe for a takeover. Meanwhile Cassie Lang, Ant-Man's daughter, has two houseguests. Finally, Access told Barry Allen that he can't go back home and has to stay in the Marvel Universe.
Cassie Lang and Machete' are watching TV. "Earlier this evening at the San Diego Zoo a variety of animals were stolen. Few people were injured, but officials of the zoo are concerned... "Why did you turn it off? I wanted to see which animals were stolen." Cassie Lang turns to Machete' while taking a scoop of ice cream.
"The newz bores me. Where eez Batroc." Machete' continues to pace the room.
"Calm down Machete'. When he comes we will tell him the news." Zaran hasn't moved from the chair since Machete' and he appeared.
"I don't mean to be rude, but aren't you dead?" Cassie Lang stands up to bring her empty bowl into the kitchen.
"A good question my dear. Machete' eez dead, but I'm not." Machete' finally stands still and starts to grin.
Back to the Badoon prison planet. Our heroes are held in stasis and can't move. A game show set surrounds them. The host of the program is all smiles and playing to the crowd.
"Ladies and Gentlemen! Tonight we have for you the premiere episode of "Win, Lose and Die!" The crowd erupts into applause. "Thank you! Thank you! Our guests tonight are from the planet Earth!" Boos erupt from the crowd. "Now! Now! Let's be nice! Our first contestant is that guy in the red outfit with the funny helmet!" The crowd erupts into applause as the Ant-Man disappears.
The Champions see Ant-Man reappear on the viewscreen above.
Scott Lang, a.k.a. Ant-Man, notices that he can move again. He looks around to see that he is in an arena of some sort. The crowd is booing his entrance. Now some of the people in the audience throw food and booze at him. "Great. I'm part of some game show with wrestling fans."
The door on the other side of the arena opens up and out walks a gigantic humanoid. "He must be over 10 feet tall!" Lang thinks to himself. "What the heck is this?"
The crowd goes wild when they see this creature come out. Music is blaring in the background.
"I can't believe it, they're playing the NWO theme song. That's the last time I let Cassie watch that stuff."
When the creature comes into full view Scott Lang can see that it has large fangs and looks like a combination of a tiger, a snake, and a really ugly human. The thing leaps at Ant-Man. Ant-Man shrinks down to the size of an ant. The crowd boos. The creature misses and turns for another attack. The crowd cheers as the creature searches for Scott Lang. Scott Lang grows right under the creature and knocks it down. Scott Lang then releases some gas and shrinks the beast. The crowd goes quiet. A swift kick by Ant-Man to the bewildered creature ends the fight.
Scott Lang disappears from the arena.
Techno is attaching some wires to himself. "Zemo I'm about to begin the transfer. Would you like to watch?"
The intercom comes on "No, Techno! I'm still adjusting to this new body. When you're done I have some plans for you to work on. So hurry up."
"Zemo, I'm not your slave. I'll work on those things when I'm ready." Techno smiles. He knows that Zemo needs him right now and is having his share of fun trying to make Zemo act polite.
"Fool! My plans are far more important than... Techno, I apologize. You are correct. My plans can wait a little while. But don't take too long, I'm growing impatient. Moonstone must pay for what she's done. I won't stand idle for too long!"
"I understand, buddy. Be right with you." Techno has to do all he can not to laugh. He thinks about how Zemo hates it when he's informal with him. So of course Techno must do it whenever he can. Techno still worries about the person he is helping. Zemo is one sick customer choosing the body he chose.
Let's see how our heroes are doing. Scott Lang is back in stasis with the rest of the Champions.
"That wasn't very sporting of our Earthling was it?" The host is still all smiles. The crowd is booing big time. "We'll just have to make the next one more interesting. Would you guys like to see robots?" The crowd goes wild.
Green Lantern and the Flash disappear in a bright light.
The Green Lantern and the Flash reappear in the middle of jungle.
"Hal, do you have any idea what's going on here?" The Flash looks around to see what enemy or enemies they'll have to face.
"I have no idea. We better be ready for anything." Green Lantern flies into the air. "Stick close. I don't want to get separated. We'll be better off as a team."
"Reminds me of old times."
"Yeah, it does feel pretty good doesn't it." Green Lantern smiles.
"Yeah it does." The Flash smiles back.
"Over here Barry! I see something!" Green Lantern has put up a protective shield in front of him with his power ring.
"I don't believe it!" Flash looks at the robots approaching him. "That first one's a rabbit!"
"I am not a rabbit! I am based on the Earth creature called a hare!" The robot responds.
"Then the other one must be a tortoise. Good thing I didn't call him a turtle." The Flash speeds off to attack the hare robot.
Two arms stretch out from the tortoise bot to try and grab Green Lantern. Hal Jordan creates two gigantic hands to grab the robot's arms. A green boxing glove then flies between the two hands and knocks the robot's head off.
The Flash is circling the hare robot and punching it. Two metal rods come out of the robot's chest. The Flash slams into one and gets the wind knocked out of him. "Now you are at my mercy! You shouldn't have mocked the Hare-Bot!" The Hare-Bot reaches down to grab the Flash as a huge boxing glove takes off his head.
There's a bright light and our two heroes disappear.
The crowd is booing. "Well that wasn't much fun was it?" The host is looking back at the Badoon official. "Well we won't underestimate the Earthlings anymore. Now we bring out the tough stuff." The crowd starts to cheer. The Badoon official is really starting to worry and he knows the host will pay if this plan backfires. The host continues his little speech. "Do you want to see bigger and meaner robots?" The crowd gives the host a standing ovation.
Firebird and Batroc disappear in a flash of light.
"So if Machete's dead, then how are you here?" Cassie Lang sits back down in her chair.
"The Machete' who was killed, was my father. I came to take his place." Machete' is picking his teeth with a.. machete'.
Zaran starts to snore. No wonder he hasn't moved from that chair.
"You know when you guys showed up, I thought I was in serious danger." Cassie starts to fold her legs under her.
"Nothing could be further from ze truth. We just want to zee Batroc." Machete' continues to pick his teeth.
Speaking of Batroc, he and Firebird appear in the middle of a cornfield.
"Eef we haff to fight ze big robots, why couldn't I haff had the pleasure of working with Hercules, ze Prince of Powair." A smirk runs over Batroc's face as he speaks.
"We don't have time for your foolishness. Something big and bad is going to be coming our way."
"Firebird, you worry too much. You haff me to protect you, non?" A huge smile spreads across Batroc's face.
"I'll never understand how you can be so flippant at a time like this." Firebird flies into the air to look for the enemy.
"Watch ze fire, I don't want to be trapped in ze popcorn."
"Hey, Hey, Hey! Popcorn will be the least of your worries you French freak!" A robot that looks like Fat Albert comes out of the corn.
"Is that what they meant by big?" Firebird asks.
Batroc leaps at the Fat Albert Robot. His kick to the robot's face doesn't affect the robot. Firebird turns to attack the robot when she is tackled in midair by a robot that resembles Yogi the Bear.
"I think I just gave you a boo-boo!" The Yogi Bear robot laughs at its own joke.
Firebird lands on the ground hard. She moves to get up as the robot stands over her for another attack. She launches flame from her fingertips. Yogi's eyes are melted. "I can't see you stupid... Gah!" More flame strikes the robot. He flails wildly at Firebird but her fire quickly melts him into nothing.
Meanwhile Fat Albert has grabbed our other adventurer. "Help me!!"
"Hey, hey, hey! No yellin' for help from you!" Fat Albert starts to bite Batroc's arm. "This tastes just like chicken."
"Release him!" An angry Firebird stands before Fat Albert and his newest meal.
"Wait your turn silly..."
Flames rip into Fat Albert's legs. The loss of stability causes him to drop Batroc. Firebird then shoots more flame at the disabled robot. Both Firebird and Batroc disappear in a burst of light.
Back in Techno's lab. There are wires connecting Techno and the robot called NM-E.* "Looks like it's time to pull the switch."
*NM-E is a robot from the Ultraverse that can absorb anything mechanical or electrical and add it to its own body.
Techno's body falls to the ground. At the same time NM-E's body comes to life. "Zemo, I did it! It worked just like I knew it would. I'm in NM-E's body. We're going to be unstoppable now!"
"Good now come down and help me." Zemo's voice comes over the intercom.
"Be right there."
Back on the prison world. "Our contestants are tough little cookies aren't they?" The crowd is throwing things on the stage. A chant of "We want death!!" has started up. "Hey we want them to die too!" The host yells over the shouting. "How about a lot of robots?" The crowd keeps their chant up. "How about a lot of big robots?" Some of the crowd starts to cheer. "Ok, how about a lot of big robots with really sharp teeth and big guns?" The host is starting to win the crowd over. "How about all that and they fight the chicks with the big breasts?" The crowd goes insane.
Black Widow and Diamondback disappear.
The Black Widow and Diamondback reappear inside a bowling alley. Giant insect robots are all around them and they're packing huge laser rifles. The robots start firing immediately.
The Black Widow dives behind the snack counter. Laser blasts fire over the counter. Meanwhile Diamondback dives behind one of the racks that hold the bowling balls.
"Rachel! Rachel! Are you ok?" Natasha, a.k.a. the Black Widow, yells over the laser fire.
"I'm fine! How about you?"
"I'm fine, but I don't know for how long. Use those new diamonds you got from Zeus!" Natasha stands up and fires her Widow's Bite at one of the robots and knocks its head off. She thinks to herself that at least they aren't tough.
Diamondback reaches into her bag of diamonds and pulls one out. She throws it at two of the robots approaching her. The diamond lands in the mouth of one of the giant insects. The robot can't spit the diamond out because its large teeth are in the way. An explosion blows the robot's head and arms off and the shrapnel from the blast takes out the other robot right near it.
Diamondback turns to see how the Black Widow is doing and sees that she's holding her own. Rachel throws a diamond at one of the robots that are near Natasha and the robot is frozen in ice.
Natasha is using her Widow's Bite to blow holes in the different robots. One of the robots bites the leg of her costume. If that bite had touched flesh she'd have at least a broken leg. A blast strikes the robot in the head.
There are now only two robots left. Both robots fire a laser blast at their opponent.
Natasha yells to Diamondback. "Duck!"
Both the Black Widow and Diamondback drop to the floor. The laser blasts sail over them and hit the robots. Both robots are destroyed.
"Good work Rachel!"
"Thanks." A surge of confidence goes through Diamondback. It has been a while since she felt this good about herself.
Both of our heroines disappear.
As the Black Widow and Diamondback reappear the crowd is cheering. "Wasn't that an exciting battle?" The host is sweating. He knows the Badoon official can't be happy about this.
The Badoon official can't believe his eyes. These robots cost a fortune. How is he going to explain this to his superiors. The blame will be placed at the feet of the prison planet's warden, but he gave the ok. This will slow his progress up the political ladder.
"Well robots with guns and big teeth couldn't get the job done. What does it take to stop these wacky humans?" The crowd continues to cheer. "I can't imagine what it would take to stop them, can you?" The crowd starts to chant "Big Tank! Big Tank!"
"You want to kill one with a big tank?" The host smiles. The crowd starts to yell "Yes!"
Hercules disappears.
The tank is rolling towards the spot marked on the ground with an "X". Hercules appears right in front of the tank. The tank runs him over before he has any time to react. As the tank rolls over him, it starts to slow down.
"I have had enough! Thou shalt pay for this indignity!" Hercules lifts the tank above his head. With the strength of a Greek God, Hercules throws the tank high into the air. A loud crash signals the tank's landing.
Hercules poses for the cameras.
Soon after he disappears.
Hercules reappears on the set of the game show. "Well the only contestant we have left is that freakish 3 headed dog. Looks like the Earthlings have made it to the second round." The crowd starts to chant "Earth Sucks!!"
"I'm sorry but your show is now over!" Access waves his hand and the Champions, Green Lantern, the Flash, and Cerberus all fade from view.
There is a moment of silence in the audience. The host doesn't know what to say. Before he finds something to say the crowd starts to applaud and then stand up. The host bows to the crowd to acknowledge his standing ovation.
The Badoon official answers a call on his desk.
"That show was fantastic! The ratings increased throughout the show! The ending was spectacular! Come to my office tomorrow your due for a spot on my cabinet!" The man on the other end of the line hangs up as he finishes what he had to say.
The official is left speechless. Unless the warden talks no one will know the show was a failure.
The warden walks over to the official. "Can we keep this quiet? I just found out the ratings went through the roof. We don't need to tell anyone that we were testing the Earthlings do we?"
"No. I think it best if we keep things quiet. Your planet will make money and both of our careers will be safe." The Badoon official starts to smile. The Brotherhood has gained information on the Earthlings and he has advanced his career. All in all, a fine day.
Back on Earth.
"Must kill Hercules! NM-E/Techno flies through the ceiling.
Arizona.
"Sir! We have a message coming in."
"Who is it from?" Ares isn't expecting any reports. Who else would know how to contact him?
"It's from... It's from... Baron Zemo!" The agent can't believe what he is saying.
"This could be interesting. Open up the channel."
"Hello Ares. I've called to warn you that NM-E is coming your way."
"Thank you Baron, but why wouldst thou be warning me? NM-E was under my command."
"Because Techno placed himself inside NM-E and now NM-E is trying to take him over. I need Techno for my plans. Please see to it that no harm comes to Techno."
"As one of my favorite humans, thou hast my word that I will do what I can for thy lackey." Ares is now concerned. What if Techno changed the programming in NM-E so that he was no longer in control? "By the way Baron, I like thy new look."
Next Issue: The Champions fight NM-E. Find out why Hal Jordan doesn't
want to go home just yet. Plus some past enemies will show
up again. Don't miss it.