“My dear friend Doctor Bousquet, you are a genius!” exclaimed the mad genius Doctor Plexico. “Had you not suggested your absolutely brilliant suggestion, we would still be in our laboratory, arguing!”
“My friend Doctor Plexico, you flatter me!” Doctor Bousquet exclaimed in reply holding his hands out wide to the array of machinery around them. “It was you who envisioned the simply brilliant plans before us now. I was simply the instrument of implementation!”
“Ah yes, I am a genius for both our killer tomatoes and for our massive snow machine!” Plexico replied. “But it was truly your genius to do both at the same time! I would have never dreamed of something so dastardly and fiendish. Snow shutting down Phoenix while our carnivorous pommes consume the city?”
“Indeed, indeed!” Bousquet laughed gleefully. “Now all that remains is to take our revenge. Revenge on
#51
Frozen Killer Pizzas and Other Maniacal Tales
By Tony Thornley
“Zis ees the last ting Batroc ze Lepair expected in Aaarizona!” The Champion’s resident Frenchman hugged his parka close to his body. “Zis is much too cold, no?” Cerebus the demon dog barked an affirmative from two of his three heads. The other Champions seemed to have other things on their minds. Quite obviously. Sheets of snow had blanketed Phoenix, while the sounds of killer vegetables echoed through the city.
“Are we ever going to find a way to permanently shut these two down?” Scott Lang muttered. “This is just… ugh.”
“We could lobotomize them,” Rachel Leighton said. The others glared at her. She simply shrugged. “Hey, I didn’t say it was a serious suggestion.”
“The Lion of Olympus is eager to meet this new challenge!” Hercules boasted. “Despite how… juvenile it is.” Several blocks away several citizens of Phoenix began screaming as a killer tomato pushed through the snow.
“At least they’re slow,” Barry Allen declared. Natasha Romanova smirked slightly and shook her head. The leader of the Champions almost agreed with Rachel. Perhaps that was the only way for the team to be rid of the mad scientists. Probably not though.
“Champions,” she said, pushing her thoughts aside. “Let’s move!” The Flash was the first member of the team away, zipping into the city in a quick recon. Bonita Juarez, Firebird, followed close behind. Firebird and the Flash had grown close in their months together as teammates, and she was concerned for Barry, despite her knowledge of his years of experience. She almost felt guilty for it, as she was well aware that he was infinitely more experienced than she was.
“Widow,” she said into her communicator, “I can see the snow machine from here. It’s absolutely covered in tomatoes though.” Bonita winced as the words left her mouth. She had never thought she would say such a thing.
“Firebird, head that direction,” the Black Widow said. “Ant-Man and Hercules will follow you there. The rest of us will handle the tomatoes.” The Russian spy grimaced. Would it ever end? Scott had already shrunk; summoning a small herd of insects, at least any who had began to hibernate in the cold. Natasha watched him. He was still coping with his time as Aeon, the time guardian, despite how much time had passed. She wished there were more she could do, but she couldn’t relate to his experience at all. She hoped she could soon.
“I hate ze tomato!” Batroc exclaimed. He leapt through the air, and landed on one of the smaller tomatoes, squishing it. “Eet iz un dizgusting veggie! Ze squish and ze juice and ze… uh, I hate zem! Mon dieu!” The Frenchman dodged a wide-mouthed tomato, but not quickly enough, as it latched onto his leg and began gnawing. Diamondback acted quickly, throwing several of her diamond darts through the killer fruit. It exploded into red pulp.
“Technically they’re a fruit Batroc,” she teased. “And I’ve always liked a couple tomato slices on a burger.”
“Zat is ze deeference between ze French and ze Americans!” Batroc exclaimed, leaping at the next tomato. “Ze amburgar!” Cerebus woofed with his center head as his right and left head chomped two tomatoes with a satisfying squish. Suddenly, he felt dizzy, and his vision in his right head blurred out of focus.
“Woof?”
“And here they come!” Doctor Plexico cried to his juicy red minions. “The mighty Champions, slip, sliding towards their ultimate defeat!”
“Aye!” Bousquet replied. “A doom worse than any other!” The two turned to each other.
“Death by living spaghetti sauce!” they cried in unison.
Natasha followed her teammates through the snowy streets of Phoenix. The absolute ridiculousness of the situation was starting to get to her. Why couldn’t the Champs ever have normal experiences?
“WidowIfoundsomething!” the super-speed voice of the Flash said. Barry skidded in front of her, almost unable to stop due to the ice. He backpedalled for several moments, and hit a garbage can. He stood up and brushed himself off.
“Sorry,” he said. “Found something!” Tasha stopped her pursuit of the others.
“What’s that?” she replied.
“The snow and ice isn’t just coming from the doctors’ gizmo,” he said. “They have multiple versions set up all over the city.”
“So, taking the docs out won’t do us any good?”
“Exactly!” Natasha frowned. That made things infinitely more difficult for the team. She thought for several moments.
“Where are they? Are they out in the open?”
“Yeah, they’re… uh…” The Flash bit his lip, reluctant to tell Natasha.
“They’re what?”
“They’ve disguised the weather machines as signs for pizza restaurants,” he said. Natasha rolled her eyes. Would it ever end?
“Take me home,” she said. “I have a batch of plastic explosives we can use there. This is ridiculous.” Barry started to stoop to pick Natasha up, but suddenly stopped. His eyes widened in terror and he started to back away from Tasha. Widow spun around, looking for whatever had struck terror into the heart of the Flash.
“Barry?” she said. “Barry?!”
“The shadow creatures,” he whispered. He looked at Tasha. “They’ve found me. I’m sorry. I think I’ve doomed our world.”
“Flash, what are you talking about?” Natasha glanced at the empty space that Barry was staring into again. He suddenly seemed to relax.
“I might have been seeing things,” he sighed. “I’m sorry Widow. It’s got to be the snow.”
“It’s okay,” Tasha said. “Let’s get that plastique.” As Barry picked her up and sped into the snow, she glanced back, and though she saw a man-shaped silohette. She blinked and it was gone.
Scott Lang hung tightly to the queen ant he’d summoned as his ride. He followed Hercules closely as he cut through the snow and could see Bonita above them. The last few months were a whirlwind, and now he was right back in the thick of things. He thought of Aeon, over and over, particularly leaving his successor in Limbo. Was that part of his life truly over?
“Behold Scott Lang!” Hercules bellowed. “The battle is met by killer fruit!”
“Herc,” Scott chuckled, “I’m so glad to have you at my side most days.” Hercules laughed, and swung at the first snow-covered tomato to attack. He slammed his beefy fist into its makeshift face and it exploded promptly, showering its compatriots in its pulpy innards. Firebird swooped low and peppered the tomatoes with fireballs, scorching the fruit and melting the snow. Scott took advantage of this and pressed forward, heading straight for the mad scientists.
“The smallest Champion?” Doctor Plexico cried.
“Does he truly think he can stop us?” laughed Doctor Bousquet.
“I’m right here you know?” Scott grumbled. “And I’m not just short.” He jumped from the ant and tapped the dial that restored his full size. He tackled Doctor Bousquet, knocking him out, and somersaulted onto his feet. He leapt again, shrinking as he did so. Doctor Plexico waved to the tomatoes around him.
“Eat him!”
“NAY!” Hercules leapt in front of Scott, blocking the killer tomatoes. The creatures started to gnaw on the demigod, at which he began to laugh.
“Merely a tickle!” he cried. He slapped the tomatoes much in the same way an ordinary mortal would mosquitoes. Scott landed on Herc’s shoulder and jumped from there towards Plexico. He tackled the scientist, and restored his size.
“Heya Doc,” he said with a grin. “Care to switch off your tomatoes?”
“High above Phoenix, in SHIELD’s second largest helicarrier, sat Captain Dirk Anger, the only SHIELD agent who has his own theme song which he composed, orchestrated, recorded and distributed to all major record labels. He contemplated his orders- to nuke Phoenix if the Champions are unable to defeat the mad scientists.”
“Uh… Agent Anger?” one of Anger’s fellow agents spoke up. “We’re in a flying SUV and we were never authorized to nuke Phoenix.”
“It’s Captain Anger!” Anger spat, turning on the other SHIELD agent. “And is technically the second largest vehicle SHIELD has.”
“Does he really have his own theme song?” one of the agents in the front seat whispered as he pressed the windshield wiper lever.
“Yeah, it’s on my iPod,” the other replied. “I’ll play it for you later.” He spoke up. “Sir… what about the nuke.”
“I asked Fury about it. He said maybe. BUT THAT ISN’T IMPORTANT!”
“What is important, sir?” one of the pair in the front seat asked. “Making sure we give the Champions the SHIELD commissions that Colonel Fury sent us with?”
“Yes,” Anger muttered. “That it is.”
“Switch them off?” Doctor Plexico laughed. “It’s not that simple!” Ant-Man glanced at Hercules. The demigod smiled and walked over to the nearest of the machines.
“Is it this one?” Scott asked. Plexico shook his head.
“Then it is not necessary!” Hercules bellowed and put his fist through the casing and ripped out its innards. Firebird landed next to them and pulled a cable tie from her belt to bind Bousquet. Plexico began sobbing.
“Not the beautiful machine!” he cried. “Not the beautiful, beautiful machine!”
“That seems to strike a nerve,” Bonita declared. She tightened the cable tie around Bousquet’s wrists.
“Let’s try another,” Scott said. “How about the one spouting snow Herc?”
“A pleasure for the lion of Olympus!” Hercules punched directly through the panel and ripped it open. He took a handful of wires and ripped.
“Noooo!” Plexico bellowed as the snow stopped. “No more!”
“Just tell him the right one for your killer tomatoes,” Ant-Man yelled.
“The next one to the right,” he sobbed. “Just… be gentle. Please.”
“Naturally,” Firebird said, and blasted the machine with a fireball. The hot blast reduced the machine to slag. She brushed her hands off, and offered Scott a cable tie for Plexico’s wrists.
“Thanks,” he muttered.
“Good job,” she grinned.
“Wait, my friends,” Hercules said. “Why has not the snow stopped?”
Johnny Domingo sat on the couch of the Champions’ home next to a dozing Cassie Lang surrounded by Cerebus’ puppies. He watched the snowy killer tomato attack with a total expression of boredom. The universally displaced hero known as Night Man sometimes wondered what the point was. Why did he even stick around? He hadn’t been active with the Champions at all. Suddenly, a streak of red burst in the front door, into the living area, then back into entertainment room.
“Hey Johnny, how you doing?” Barry asked.
“Bored as hell,” Johnny replied.
“I’m sorry man,” he said. “We’ll have to have you out again soon. Say… have you seen Guinea Pig?”
“You kn-“
“Barry!” Natasha’s voice called.
“Sorrygottago!” And he was out the door again. Johnny had to think for a moment though. Where was Guinea Pig?
Batroc stamped his foot into the dormant flesh of a killer tomato with disgust.
“Ze foul tings!” he growled. “Zey coul not be more deed for my leking!”
“Woof!” echoed Cerebus.
“The snow,” Diamondback muttered. “Why is there still snow?”
“Diamondback?” Batroc asked.
“The snow,” she said. “Its still goi-“ A chain of explosions echoed through the city, and the snow stopped.
“Nevair mind, non?” Batroc grinned.
“Yeah, nevair mind,” Rachel echoed jokingly. Batroc simply stuck his tongue out at her.
“There is nothing greater than celebrating victory than a tankard of ale!” Hercules bellowed. “Is that not true friend Batroc?”
“Oui!” Batroc said. “Zere is noting better zan a warm beer!”
Natasha smiled at the Champions’ most flamboyant members. It was a small victory, but they deserved it. They were back at home after helping with clean-up. The mad doctors were back in lock-up, this time under 24 hour armed guard. They’d no doubt be back after too long. They’d been a perpetual thorn in the side of the team since they arrived in Phoenix. The other members of the team were celebrating in their own way- Rachel was asleep on the couch; Barry was analyzing samples of the tomatoes downstairs; Bonita was hard at work making dinner; Cerebus was playing with his pups and Cassie; and Scott… Where was Scott?
Tasha backed out of the room and headed towards Scott’s room. She found him sitting on his bed, his back to her.
“Scott?” she said. “Are you okay?”
“Tash,” he said. He turned and Black Widow gasped. His eyes were glowing red, which quickly faded away.
“Tash,” he said again. “I think I just saw the future.”
Next: The return of the Champions continues! A date, a doctor’s visit and the living dead!
Author’s Notes-
WHAT. A. BLAST! This was definitely one of most fun issues of fanfic I’ve ever written. With the return of MV1, I hoped for the return of this series. Then I thought, why don’t I write it? So here we are. Letters, as always, are welcome. In fact, around here, they’re tradition.
Welcome aboard!