Road Trip #1

“A Chick, a Chump, and Some Chimps”

Machete’ and Zaran’s Room in the Champions’ House:

“How could you turn down membership in the Champions?* Are you nuts!?” Machete’ has his finger right in Zaran’s face. "You didn't even consult me!"

* See Champions #42

“What was the point of staying? We don’t have any powers and we’d be redundant. They already had Black Widow and Batroc and both of them outclass us. So why stay?”

“Hmmmm. Still we should’ve stayed. I really want to be part of a team now that I’ve had the thrill. I mean….”

Zaran cuts him off in mid-sentence. “Who says we can’t be part of a team?”

“Well we just turned down the Champions and I doubt the Avengers would take us in." Machete' thinks, shakes his head, "Heck, we’re probably too low for even the West Coast Avengers to consider. The Champions were our best shot, in my opinion.”

Zaran smiles, “You see, that’s where you’re wrong. Our best chance for a team is exactly what we tried to do with the New Champions.”

“What?”

“You saw how easy it was to start our own team. Why not just do that again?” Zaran closes his suitcase.

“Our team was a disaster! We got crushed by one guy! One friggin’ guy! Hell, he almost killed us! If it wasn’t for Nightman some of us would be dead!”*

*Champions #41

“You’re boring me with the details! I was there. I know what happened." Zaran tries to do his best Captain America impression by holding his stomach in and pushing his chest out. His hands are on his hips and his chin thrust forward, "We’ll learn from our mistakes and be stronger for them.”

“Ok." Machete' shrugs. "I’ll give it a shot. But where did you want to go?”

“I was thinking of Chicago.”

“Why Chicago?”

“Fewer super villains, fewer heroes, and lots of crime! What better place to learn on the job, eh?” Zaran lets the idea sink into Machete’s head before continuing. “Plus, it allows for a road trip of massive proportions.”

“Zaran, you are a genius!”

“I know. Let’s go say goodbye to the others.”

About an hour later:

“I’ll miss you guys a lot!” Cassie Lang has tears in her eyes. She loved hanging out with these two when her father was gone on missions. Now that her father is gone, she feels the loss of her two friends even more.

“Don’t worry darling. We’ll check in on you whenever we can. Heck, maybe we’ll kidnap you and take you with us.” Machete’ smiles.

Cassie laughs and gives Machete’ a hug. “I may take you up on that offer if my dad doesn’t come back. But right now, someone has to help Batroc take care of Cerberus and his puppies.”*

* That’s right. The guardian of Hades got some mortal dog pregnant. See Champions #39.

“Well we could take one off your hands. Couldn’t we Zaran?”

Zaran shakes his head. “No way! No way! We’re going cross country and we can’t take a dog!”

Machete’ smiles. “You chose not to stay with the team. I get to choose if we have a pet. I think I’ll name him Rapier.”

“Would that be after your wit?” Natasha, aka the Black Widow, rolls her eyes.

“If I take my name from a sword, then so shall my dog.”

“Ummm…I had already named him puddin’.” Cassie says.

“Oh, then I shall…why you!” Machete’ notices that Cassie is suppressing a giggle. “You tried to make a man go around with a dog named puddin’? Only someone like Zaran would do that!” Both Machete’ and little Miss Lang start laughing.

“Aren’t you glad I’m taking him off your hands?” Zaran sighs.

“Zaran carries his bags to the car; he's said good-bye to all of the Champions who were left after last night's meeting, except for Barry Allen, who had to go to work today.  Zaran hopes to catch him on his way out of town. Of course he isn’t too happy about stepping into a police station, but he’s out of costume. They’ll never know.

Or at least he hopes they won’t know.

Machete’ drops his bags into the car. “We all set to go?” He’s still holding the three-headed puppy in his hands. “Rapier and I are all ready!” He emphasized the puppy’s name to just to rub in the fact they were taking a dog with them.

Zaran sighed again. “I’d like to say good-bye to Barry too if you don’t mind.”

Machete’ stops smiling. “He works in a police station. You do remember that?”

“Yep. But it would be rude to leave without saying good-bye. Even if he does know we’re leaving.”

“Let me say it again. He works in a police station! You know, the place where the cops work? Where they’d arrest us?”

“We’re out of uniform. They’ll never know. Plus, we just did some heroic deeds so maybe they’d cut us some slack if they figure out who we are.”

“Good points. Anyway, it’s Phoenix. Did you and my dad ever do anything wrong here?” Zaran flinches a little when Machete’ mentions his dad. Machete’ doesn’t realize he isn’t the biological son of the deceased Machete’. He’s actually Zaran’s kid with the original Machete’s on-again – off-again girlfriend. Machete’ starts to get into the car.

“Oh no you don’t!” Zaran yells. “I’m driving. It’s my car and you have to watch the dog. If any of my stuff gets ruined, I’m leaving him at the next shelter.”

Central City Precinct:

Machete’ and Zaran pull up to the police station. With the puppy in Machete’s arms, they head towards the entrance. Both of them move in ways to hide their faces as much as possible from the police. ‘I guess old habits die hard.’ Zaran thinks to himself and chuckles. The two redeemed villains find Barry Allen’s office without any problems.

“Hey guys! You didn’t have to stop by and see me before heading out.” Barry smiles as he shakes both of their hands.

“Oh we didn’t know you were busy. We’ll be going.” Zaran notices that Barry’s lab station has a large pile of folders piled on top of it.

“Oh that pile? That’s my six-week build up from when those chimps kidnapped me.” Barry smiles even more. That’s the excuse he used to explain his six-week absence when the team was sent into an alternate reality.

“Those evil chimps.” Machete’ laughs.

“I see Cassie guilted you guys into taking one of the pups. Have fun with that one.”

“I’m sure we will.” Zaran rolls his eyes. “Well we should get going. Good luck getting home Barry. I hope we get to meet again. You’re a good man.”

“Thanks. You guys turned out to be alright too.” Barry winks. “Have fun and keep in touch.”

As the two heroes head out of the building, there’s a young woman mumbling to herself. She's a short woman and a little overweight. Most of her teeth are missing and she has tattoos covering her arms. “Can’t even find my brother. Darn it.” She bumps into Machete’. “Ooops! Sorry cutey.”

“No problem ma’am.” Machete’ bows.

“I wasn’t talkin’ to you silly. I was talking to your poor puppy. Ooooh he’s so cute! All 3 of his heads are just perfect! Did he get too close to an atomic bomb? Bit by a radioactive flea? Is he a hydra?” The questions keep coming.

Finally Machete’ stops the string of inane questions. “No he’s the son of Cerberus!”

“Who?”

“You know the three headed dog that guards Hades?”

The woman just shakes her head, "Was that in one of them there sci-fi specials? I don’t like that there science fiction stuff.”

Machete’s face starts to turn red. “How could you not know about Cerberus? He’s been on the news and in textbooks for centuries.”

“Oh I don’t watch the news and I hate old books. They make my fingers feel all icky.”

“Why do I get the feeling you don’t like any books?” Machete’ says. Zaran starts to laugh.

“Why are we even talking about this Cervical from Hell guy? I want to know how come your dog has three heads.” She starts to file her nails.

“Cerberus is the dog’s father and Cerberus has 3 heads!”

“So this three headed guy sleeps with dogs?”

“No! Cerberus is a dog.”

“Who would let a dog guard Hell? Isn’t that what demons are for?” She continues to file her nails.

“The Greek Gods would!”

“Oh I’ve met some Greek gods and let me tell you, none of them had 3 headed dogs.” She smiles.

“Which Greek gods did you meet?”

“Well there was this one nice guy who was a carpenter a few years back. I can’t remember his name, but he was dreamy. And then there was…”

“Stop! We meant the real Greek gods!” Machete’s whole face is red.

“So was I.” She giggles.

“Shall we leave now?” Zaran asks Machete’.

“Would you gentlemen be kind enough to give me a lift? I didn’t bring enough change with me for the bus.”

“Oh dear God!” Machete’s slaps his head.

“How could I turn down a woman who bothers my friend here so much?” Zaran smiles. “This way ma'am.”

The three of them get into the car. “Where to Miss….?”

“The name’s Tabitha. Just take me home.” She smiles.

“And where would that be?” Zaran asks.

“Oh that’s right. We just met. You boys are kind of cute too. Especially your father.”

“Haha! He’s not my father. That’s my uncle.” Machete’ continues to laugh. Zaran tries to hide his discomfort.

Back at the Central City Precinct:

“Where’d Tabitha go!?” Chief Everett yells.

“Um she left with two men sir!”

“What? Who were they?”

“I’m not sure sir. I’ve never seen them before. They must’ve been visiting someone….”

“What’s wrong son?”

“That picture looks exactly like one of the guys she left with!” The officer is pointing at a Wanted Poster of Zaran.

“Damn! She’s been kidnapped by Zaran and Machete’!" The Chief is swearing and pacing the room. His whole face has turned red with anger. "Put out an APB pronto!”

On a road in Phoenix:

“Then this little bugger says to me ‘Listen lady I got a girlfriend.’ Like I care if he’s got a girlfriend.” Tabitha continues to file her nails. Both Machete’ and Zaran can’t believe they’re giving this woman a lift. Zaran wonders why he doesn’t just stop and toss her out of the car. He thinks a true hero wouldn’t do that, so he suffers through her blabbering.

The car turns a corner and they see a man running across the street. He looks vaguely familiar. The man changes direction and Zaran has to stop the car to avoid hitting him.

‘What are you doing, man?” Machete’ asks.

“I’m working on my ploy!” The man says.

“Your ploy?”

“I was going to be a bank robber, but while I could get the money, I had no big plans. But I’ve figured out a scheme.” The man says with a very twisted smile.

‘Oh no! You’re the Orange Bull!” Machete’ gasps.*

* See Champions #34 and 35

“Hey! How’d you know that name?” He asks.

‘Oooops!” Machete’ is very glad he isn’t in costume. “Um…Oh! We saw you on the news.”

“Oh that bank robbery thing. Yeah, lots of people saw that. I’m on to bigger things now though. I’m going to be a role model for the little tykes who want to be super criminals. No little stuff for me.” The man looks ecstatic.

“So what is your ploy?”

“I’m going to stop all of the traffic in Phoenix one car at a time! Think of the chaos! Think of the inconvenience!”

“Man that’s lame… I mean dastardly. You’ll be on the most wanted list soon.” Zaran says.

“Yeah, I’m a bad, bad man! I gotta go stop more traffic. Keep cool brothers!” The man turns to run off but is stopped by Tabitha.

“I like bad boys! Take me with you!” Tabitha starts rubbing the Orange Bull’s arm.

“Yes please! Take her with you!” Zaran and Machete’ both shout at the same time.

The two heroes(?) get back into the car. “So what should we call our new team?” Machete’ asks as the car starts moving.

“I was thinking of Batroc’s Brigade, but that doesn’t make any sense since he’s not with us.”

“How about the Protectors?” Machete’ smiles, “It’s simple and effective.”

“And I think it’s taken.” Zaran says. “I do like the name though. How about the South-Siders since we’re going to Chicago?”

Machete' thinks about the name for a little while and then says, “Not bad, but does that mean we won’t help the North Side?”

“Actually that’s a good point. We don’t want to alienate anyone if we don’t have to.” Zaran starts to munch on a handful of Oreo cookies. “Got milk?”

“Not sure. Let me look.” While Machete’ looks through the food bag, two police cruisers fly around a corner. Their lights are flashing and their sirens are wailing. Zaran pulls the car over. “I wonder what they want?”

"I'm not sure, but I'm letting Rapier out so he can use the facilities." Machete' opens the door and lets the three-headed puppy out of the car.

Police Chief Everett gets out of the car and storms over to Zaran’s window. “Where’s Tabitha?”

“She left with someone a few minutes ago.” Zaran says. “Is that why you pulled us over?”

“Don’t give me that line of bull Zaran! What’d you two do? You put her in the trunk?”

“Zaran? My name’s not…”

“I ain’t stupid boy! I know who you two crooks are! Now why’d you kidnap Tabitha?” Chief Everett turns to his officers. “Open the trunk!”

Oh no! The trunk is where our weapons are! Machete’ thinks to himself. “Chief, she isn’t in the trunk! She left with some guy who was stopping traffic.”

“Are you telling me that she’s playing in traffic?” The police Chief doesn't look pleased with Machete's comment.

“I guess you could put it that way.” Machete’ shrugs.

One of the officers approaches the Chief and says, “There are reports of some guy stopping traffic all over downtown. Want me to ask one of the officers working the case if Tabitha’s with them?”

“Yep. Do that while I continue to detain these two miscreants.”

“Sir, Tabitha is with that nutcase downtown!” The officer yells from his car.

“Damn! I was going to nail you guys to the wall for kidnapping my sister!” Chief Everett says.

“Your sister?”

“My sister! I should take you guys in since Zaran is wanted, but you guys did a good job while the Champions were gone so I’ll let you go this time. You cause any more trouble in this city and I’ll put you away and throw away the key! Now get out of here!”

Machete’ and Zaran drive off. “That was lucky!” Machete’ says while wiping his forehead. “I thought we were goners!”

“So did I! I can’t believe they recognized me and still let me go.”

“Bah! Who cares about that? I thought we were in trouble because Rapier here has the Chief’s bumper in one of his mouths.”

“I’m dropping him off at the shelter!” Zaran yells.

“No you’re not! You only said if he gets into trouble. We didn’t get into any trouble over this.” Machete’ laughs and pets the dog.

The City Limits:

Three figures are standing on the side of the road. “Hey look, Machete’, hitchhikers!” Zaran stops the car to pick up the hitchhikers when he notices they aren’t normal hitchhikers. “Oh no!”

Machete’ is too shocked to speak.

“Thanks for the ride guys. Hey nice puppy. My names Bongo, he’s Bonzo, Jr. and this is Cheetah, Jr.” The three 12 foot chimpanzees cram their way into the back seat of the car.

Next Issue: Machete’ and Zaran are on the road with the Chimpinoids! Or are they the Chimpanzee Commandos? What more do you need to know? Giant Chimpanzees equal funny in my book. Ok, ok, I'll break down and give you one thing you'll see next issue: the chimps and our heroes stop for coffee.

Note to the Readers: I probably should make this “Note to the Reader.” J When I saw that Russ was letting Machete’ and Zaran go from his book I asked him if I could use them. He said that was fine since he had no plans for them. If I had the time, this is the mini-series I wanted to write while I was still doing the Champions. Of course the original conception was to have the Flash travel across country with Batroc and Hercules to show him the MV1 Earth. I later changed my mind on that idea to one that made more sense to me. That newer idea was to have Zaran and Machete' go cross-country. So I’m ecstatic that Russ was kind enough to let me have these characters (even if it was inadvertent). Of course Barry’s idea to have the Cerberus puppies adds an element of comedy I never would’ve thought of. Basically this will be a humor series where anything can happen. I hope you enjoy this series as much as I’m enjoying writing it. I'd like to thank Mark Bousquet for making a variety of suggestions to improve the issue.