Road Trip #2
Pop Quiz, Hot Shot!
Last
Issue: Machete' and Zaran were heading to Chicago to form a new
superhero team. They had quit the
Champions when the original team came back.
On the way out of town they picked up the Chimpanzee Commandos, Bonzo, Jr.,
Cheetah Jr., and Bongo.
"I say we call ourselves the Conquistadors!" After finishing the sentence Zaran raises
his arm up and makes a slashing motion.
Machete' sits in silence for a second and then turns to Zaran,
"Not bad, but there's just something wrong with it. It doesn't feel right." He continues to scratch the three-headed
puppy behind the ear. The other two
heads try to push the head that is being scratched out of the way.
There's movement in the backseat as Bongo twists and turns so they
he can move forward to join the conversation.
"I like the name, but why not call yourselves the Zaranoids!"
"What!?" Both
Machete' and Zaran gasp.
Before either Machete' or Zaran can respond further, Bonzo Jr.
speaks up. "Well they could be the
Machete'-oids."
"No! No! No!"
Cheetah, Jr. proclaims.
"It's got to be the Machete' and Zaran Commandos!"
"None of those names are acceptable." Zaran finally says. "Those names would step on your team's
name." Zaran then turns back to
the road and mumbles under his breath, "Whatever that might be."
The three oversized chimpanzees in the back all nod in
agreement. "You're right, we
wouldn't want people confusing our two groups.
Especially with you guys being heroes and us being mercenaries. You could cut into our funding if people
tried to hire you guys instead of us."
Bongo leans back in his seat.
An hour later at a Diner off I-25S Just Outside of Albuquerque:
"So why did you guys decide to reform?" Cheetah, Jr. asks.
"Being a hero is exciting.
It's weird, I always thought being the bad guy would be more fun, but
man was it more exciting doing the right thing. I mean, when you're fighting a bad guy, if you lose so does
society. If you lose when you're a
villain, the only one hurt is you.
There's so much more riding on you as a good guy and that's just
exhilarating." Machete' takes
another sip of his coffee.
The chimps exchange glances.
"We're in."
"We're not going to pay you guys to be heroes." Zaran says.
"After Machete's sales pitch you couldn't stop us from
playing hero. But we would need to get
paid. How about you feed us, we
fight!" Bongo looks around and
sees the approving looks from his fellow teammates.
"How much do we have to feed you?" Zaran asks with a raised eyebrow.
'Hmmmmmmmm………" The
chimps confer on a price. "24
bananas a day, each."
"That's outrageous!
No way!" Zaran looks around
sheepishly when he notices they are still in the diner.
"We're twelve foot chimps, we need our bananas!" Bongo snarls.
"How about 16 bananas a day?" Machete' asks.
"16 bananas a day and 3 banana split sundaes a week. And that's our final offer."
Zaran starts to say no, but Machete' speaks first. "You've got yourselves a
deal!" Zaran sits there stunned
while everyone shakes hands. The chimps
get up to order more food.
"What were you thinking Machete'? I was going to turn down their offers. We don't want them on our team.
They're screw-ups."
"Hey, we have to give them a chance to reform. It's what heroes do."
Zaran shrugs and slumps his shoulders. "Maybe you're right, but man why couldn't we pawn them off
on Heroes for Hire? They friggin' work
for peanuts."
"Actually they work for bananas."* Machete' grins at his
lame joke.
*
Who didn't see that bad joke coming?
The chimps start to come back over. They have to apologize to the people they bump into. "Sorry
ma'am." "Sorry, this place
wasn't made for 12 foot chimps."
"Sorry, buddy, it won't happen…that looks mighty tasty, can I have some?"
Finally the chimps sit down with 3 more plates of food each. "I told them to add this to your
bill." Bongo says as he starts to
shovel the hash browns into his mouth.
"Alright, we've agreed on payment, but I want to make sure
that you're hero material." Zaran
puts his fork down and looks at each of the giant chimps.
"What do you want us to do?'
Bongo asks. "We'll do
whatever we need to in order to get those bananas." The other two Chimpinoids nod in agreement.
"I'm going to give the three of you a quiz." Zaran smiles. That should get them running out of here. No one likes quizzes, especially not pop
quizzes.
"Ooooh. A quiz?"
Bonzo, Jr. shudders. "Couldn't you
give us something else?"
"He certainly could give you something." Machete' laughs. Zaran glares at Machete' who smiles back at Zaran. "Hey, I'm only telling the truth."
Zaran turns back to the chimpanzees with a frustrated look on his
face. "Nothing else. It's the quiz or no membership."
"We'll take the test then." Bongo slumps his shoulders and grabs a number 2 pencil from his
backpack. "We're all set."
"Damn!" Zaran
mutters.
"What?" Bongo
asks Zaran.
"Nothing, just thinking up questions. Here's the first one: What would you do if a villain was holding
an
innocent bystander as a hostage so he could get away?"
Bongo shushes his two partners.
"That's easy. Shoot the
hostage!"
Bonzo, Jr. slaps Bongo on the back. "That's right hot shot!
Shoot the hostage."
Zaran is in shock.
"Huh?..Shoot…Are you nuts?"
Cheetah, Jr. looks back at Zaran like a parent would at a young
child who needs something explained to him.
"Keanu Reeves shot the hostage in Speed, so why wouldn't it work
here?"
"Good point Cheetah."
"Thank you Bongo.
What would you do hotshot? Shoot
the hostage!"
The three chimpanzees start reciting the shoot the hostage line
over and over. Finally, Zaran has had
enough. "Shut up! Shut up!
Shut up!" The three
oversized primates quiet down.
"You can't shoot the hostage!
That's nuts!"
"But Keanu…"
Zaran cuts Bonzo, Jr. off in midsentence. "I don't care what they did in some bad
movie. That's the movie where they sent
in the guy with the bullet wound into the bomber's house and they didn't even
look for traps! Cops with bullet wounds
in their legs don't go on field duty, much less climb through windows!"
"Ok, then what do we do?"
"Ummmm…You should…..Ummmm…. You would….Hey! I'm asking the questions here and you got
that one wrong."
"I still think you should shoot the hostage." The other two gigantic chimpanzees nod in
agreement at what Bonzo, Jr. says.
"You guys better get this one right. Three guys walk into a bar…"
"Shut up Machete'!
This is serious." Zaran
shakes his head. "If you were
confronted by Baron Zemo, Ultron, and Graviton how would you deal with
them?"
"Hmmmm….I'd say all 3 of us should attack Ultron. He's the most powerful and therefore the
biggest threat. And then I'd shoot the
hostage." All three chimpanzees
start laughing.
Bongo stops laughing first.
"Actually I disagree with Cheetah, Jr. Zemo is probably the brains of the operation so I'd take him out
first in the hopes that he was controlling the other two. That way all 3 would be stopped and we'd
lower the amount of damage done by not fighting Ultron or Graviton." Bongo, Jr. looks smugly at Zaran. All 3 of the Chimpanzee Commandos seem to
like the answer. "Oh wait, I
forgot one more thing: then I'd shoot the hostage! Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!" Before Bongo, Jr. can even finish the sentence Machete' falls out
of his seat from laughing so hard.
Zaran buries his face in his hands "What did I ever do?"
Bonzo, Jr. wipes tears from his eyes and says, "I'd call the
Avengers, the Fantastic Four and anyone else I could think of before attacking
them and then I'd have one of us attack each of them to keep them busy until
help arrived. And then…"
Zaran stops him. "I
know, I know, you'd shoot the hostage.
Ha Ha! Besides your stupid
running joke about shooting hostages, those were all very good answers, especially
the last one. Maybe you guys can cut it
as heroes. Just one more
question."
Machete' speaks up before Zaran can ask the question. "I'd like to give my answer to the last
question."
Zaran looks at Machete' suspiciously before saying, "Go ahead,
but it better be good."
"If I were confronted by Zemo, Ultron, and Graviton, I'd wet
my pants and run for cover."
Zaran rolls his eyes.
"Hey, at least I'm being honest. Of course I'd shoot the hostage once I found cover." Machete' and the oversized chimpanzees all
start laughing again.
When the laughing stops, Zaran asks the last question of his quiz,
"If three women are in trouble and you can only save one of them, how do
you choose who to save?"
The gargantuan primates all say in unison, "That's easy. You save the hottest one."
"You're in!"
Zaran high fives all 3 apes.
"Shouldn't they say they'd find a way to save all
3?" Machete' asks.
"That's the politically correct answer, but we all know this
is how it really works, right guys?"
Zaran winks at the chimps.
'It's how we'd work."
Bongo says and everyone starts to laugh.
"Should we call ourselves the Intimidators?" Machete' asks.
"Nah, too scary."
Zaran starts to take a sip of coffee just as someone's yelling causes
him to spill it on himself.
"THERE YOU ARE!!"
A voice yells at them from the doorway.
"Oh no! It's the
Orange Bull!" Machete' starts to
slide under the table.
"I just heard from Tabitha that you guys are going to start a
hero team in Chicago."* The man known only as the Orange Bull says.
*
Tabitha spent time stopping traffic with the Orange Bull last issue and she's
also Police Chief Everett's sister.
"That's true."
Zaran says cautiously.
"Then I'll meet you guys there." The Orange Bull turns to walk away.
"Before you go, do you mind my asking why?" Machete' squeaks while continuing to slide
under the table.
"Duh! You guys are going to need an arch-villain." The big lummox strides out of the Diner.
"I hope super teams aren't defined by their
arch-villains." Bongo says.
"You can say that again." Zaran says.
"Shouldn't we have arrested him if he's a villain?" Cheetah, Jr. asks.
"You might be right, but he didn't really do anything
wrong. Well except for that bank
robbery. Oh damn it! We should've arrested him!" Machete' says while sliding back up into his
seat.
"He isn't worth the hassle.
We'll snag him in Chicago."
Zaran reaches for the bill.
"Extradition from Illinois to Arizona for a bank robbery
where the guy didn't keep the money is going to be unlikely." Machete' adds.
"I know but…"
Zaran stops in midsentence when he sees the bill. "How many pancakes did you freaks
eat?!"
Next
Issue: The Chimps, Machete', and
Zaran continue their road trip to Chicago.
Don't miss it.
Rest
Area:
This first letter was sent to the MV1 Talk list by Adam
Di Stefano:
Hey guys,
Normally I would put a review under the title of my usual "ADS
Reviews!",
but I don't know if this actually qualifies as a review. :)
I just got done reading ROAD TRIP #1 by our beloved Mark Beaulieu. Let me
say, if you liked Champions, you're going to love this series. I can feel
it in my bones. This is the sort of series that I never see enough of.
Lighthearted, fun, stories.
The issue was really enjoyable and easy to read. It was funny, yet kept
your attention. I particularly liked the way it tied into the MV1
community. I mean, for one, the Protectors already existing was a nice
touch. But more to the point, it tied in with CHAMPIONS perfectly and it
got certain things that members of this list will particulary enjoy.
I don't want to ruin the issue, but let's just say the longest-running bad
joke at MV1 is addressed in this story. :)
If you haven't read this issue yet, go right now. It's great fun, and I'm
glad to see Baloo doing it.
As for next issue, two words: Big Chimps! :)
Adam
Thanks for the kind words Adam. I'm having a blast writing this series so I'm glad you're enjoying it. I'm still wondering if Sam figured out that Tabitha was supposed to be his sister. J
This second letter was from Russ Lee. He's that guy writing some Champions book. J Actually Russ is doing a great job on Champions and you should
give his issues a shot. His letter was
a response to Adam's letter so some of Adam's letter is in here.
<< If you haven't read this issue yet, go right
now. It's great fun, and I'm
glad to see Baloo doing it. >>
I'll second Adam's recommendation. Funny stuff, up there with some of
Baloo's best Champions stuff. (He still hasn't topped "I'm the
Platypusinator! I'm duckbilled death incarnate!" but he came close a
couple
times in this issue).
I've known this project was in the works for about a month and a half now,
and I got to read the first issue before it went up at the site... you all
have no idea how hard it was to keep from sending out "I know something
you
don't know" posts...
Russ
Again, thanks Russ. Btw, the Platypusinator line is my favorite
line of dialogue so I'm glad someone else liked it too.
Please send me your thoughts on this issue, even if you didn't like it. I can take it. J
Mark Beaulieu
Ulysses and Pandora Productions