Road Trip #4

“Fed-Time for Bonzo, Jr.”

Previously: Machete’ and Zaran left Phoenix, and the Champions, in order to form their own superhero group. Along the way they found the Chimpanzee Commandos, or the Chimpinoids, on the side of the road and gave them a ride. The cybernetically enhanced chimps decided to join the group that Machete’ and Zaran want to form.

Jefferson City, Missouri:

“Alright everyone, we’re here!” Machete’ rolls the car to a stop and pulls up the parking brake. “Remember, everyone has to get as much of their own fur out of the car as possible. I don’t want the fur clogging up the engine like it did right after we left Oklahoma City!”

Zaran steps out of the car and stretches; he’s holding the three-headed puppy, Rapier, in his left hand. The chimps are all cleaning out the backseat and muttering under their breaths.

“Hey Zaran! I wasn’t just talking to the chimps.” Machete’ points to the passenger seat and mimes shoveling out fur.

“Oh you’re soooo funny Machete’. Btw, I’m not the one who had to shave his back so he could look good in spandex.”

Machete’ grins. “I’m just more manly than you, that’s all.”

"Ouch!" One of Rapier's heads has decided to bite Zaran's hand. "Why do I always have to carry this mutt?"

“Are we still searching for a name?” Bonzo, Jr. asks

“Yes,” Machete’ says.

“So we really can’t call ourselves the Bumfuzzlers?” Cheeteh, Jr. slumps his shoulders and starts to pout.

“We explained what bum meant in England, so we can’t go by that name.” Zaran continues to scratch Rapier behind the ear.

“What if we use a different name in England?”

“It doesn’t work that way,” Machete’ says softly. “Any news reports about us would get to England with the word Bumfuzzlers attached. It would seriously hurt our effectiveness in the global crime market.”

Bonzo, Jr. steps up and clears his throat. “Guys, I think I have the perfect name for the group.” He pauses for dramatic effect.

“Oh get on with it monkey!” Zaran yells with a smile on his face.

“We should call ourselves the Reformers. We are all reformed criminals and instead of focusing on beating up criminals we could try to make them go straight.”

“That’s a great idea!” Machete’ runs over to Bonzo, Jr. and slaps him on the back. “You’re a genius.”

“You know he’s even smarter when you think about the benefits of the name too.” Zaran strokes his chin with his one free hand. “The chicks will think we’re sensitive hero types because we try to help the bad guys. We’ll be friggin’ babe magnets! You da man Bonzo, Jr.!”

“Well I hadn’t thought of the girl angle. Man this name is even better than I thought,” Bonzo, Jr. says.

“I’m gonna get some chicks!!!” Bongo runs around in a circle with both arms pumping up into the air. “I’m gonna get some chicks! I’m gonna get some chiiiiiiicks!!….”

“It’s kind of disturbing watching a 12 foot chimp raise the roof,” Machete’ whispers to Zaran. “Is he singing those words to the tune of Momma Said Knock You Out?”

A black limousine pulls into the parking lot of the mall. Zaran looks at Machete’. “I thought you lost them before we entered Missouri?”

“I thought I did.” Machete’ shrugs. “I wonder what they want?”

The three Chimpinoids walk up. “We finally gonna get to hit something?” Bongo looks around for support. The other two chimpanzees smile and nod their heads in anticipation of the violence.

“I hope not. Remember, we’re the Reformers. We don’t want to fight them unless we have to.” Zaran continues to pet Rapier, but he moves between the gigantic chimps and the men getting out of the car.

There are 4 men exiting the limousine. All of them are a little over 6 feet tall with short black hair and sunglasses. They stiffly walk over to our heroes.

“Oh no. Feds,” Machete’ groans.

“Should we run?” Zaran looks around quickly but can’t find a good place to hide. “Maybe they won’t notice us.”

“Not much chance of that since we have three gigantic chimpanzees and they’re walking right up to us.” Machete’ shakes his head. “We’ll see what they want.”

One of the federal agents walks up to Machete’ and Zaran. “You guys were speeding a lot back there. I ought to give you a ticket.”

Machete’ and Zaran glare back at the man speaking, but make no comment.

“Don’t you crooks have any snappy comments to make? I thought you were a bunch of jokers?” The man pokes Zaran in the chest. “Especially you, old man.”

“What do you want?” Zaran asks.

“I want to talk to your gorillas over there.” The fed points to the three cybernetically enhanced chimpanzees.

“I don’t think they want to talk to you.” Machete’ grabs Rapier, the three-headed puppy, before he can run off. I’ll let him grab their bumper later.

“We’re going to make them an offer they can’t refuse.”

“By the way, they aren’t gorillas, they prefer to be called monkeys,” Zaran says.

“Thanks, I’ll remember that.” The agent walks off towards the chimps. “I want to talk to you monkeys.”

“We’re chimpanzees! We’re not monkeys, pig!” Bonzo, Jr. says.

“I’m not a pig. I’m a fed,” the F.B.I. agent says.

“Oh, you’re one of those guys who can’t handle their paperwork,” Cheetah, Jr. says.

“Haha!” the agent growls.

“Oh, and you kidnap Cuban kids.” Bongo pretends to grab a kid and runs away.

“Oh, you guys are a hoot.” The federal agent’s face starts to turn red.

“You ever fix evidence to help get a conviction?” Bonzo, Jr. asks.

“Look, the media makes us look bad. We don’t all do that stuff.” The agent is keeping his voice under control, but he’s clearly upset.

“I thought that made you look good. Yeah, we’d love to do that stuff.” Bonzo, Jr. looks to the other chimps and they all nod in agreement.

“Let me get down to business. I’m here to offer you three monkeys…I mean chimpanzees a job.”

“Sorry, we’re spoken for,” Cheetah, Jr. says.

“Yeah, we’re Reformers now. So shove off!” Bongo starts to walk between the fed and the other Chimpinoids.

“No need to get hostile. We just liked your work in that hostage situation back near Oklahoma City.”*

* See Road Trip #3 for the hostage situation.

“We did pretty good there, if I must say so myself.” Bongo says.

“You aren’t the only one sayin’ it, we’re all sayin’ it.” Cheetah, Jr. and Bonzo, Jr. high five. “We’re the chimps!” Cheetah, Jr. continues looking for high fives, but there aren’t anymore coming.

“My bosses think that was the most brilliant strategy they’ve ever seen in a hostage situation.” The F.B.I. agent bows to the Chimpanzee Commandos. “You sirs, are our role models.”

“Well I don’t know, we’ve been hired by Machete’ and Zaran to fight crime in Chicago. Plus, we were only following the strategy put forth by Keanu Reeves in Speed.” Bongo scratches his head thinking about the offer.

“We’ll double whatever they’re paying!”

“Double! Guys, that’s almost twice as much as we were getting!” Bonzo, Jr. starts to do a dance and sing. “I’m gonna get some bananas! I’m gonna eat some bananas! I’m gonna get some caaaaaasssssssshhhhhh!”

“Is he singing that to ‘Momma Said Knock You Out’?” The Agent asks.

“Look, we’ll have to think about it. I’m not sure we’re ready for this,” Bongo says.

“You’re more than ready. Heck, you’ve already watched our training video.”

“We’ve never watched a training video,” Cheetah, Jr. says while grabbing Bonzo, Jr. by the shoulders to get him to stop dancing.

“You just said you watched Speed.”

“Wait, are you telling us, you’ll let us shoot the hostage?” Bonzo, Jr. stops dancing to ask the question.

“Yep. Anytime you damn well please.”

“Oh! I’m in.” Bonzo, Jr. starts to dance and sing again. “I’m gonna shoot a hostage! I’m gonna shoot a hostage! I’m gonna shoot a hoooosssstttaaagee!”

Bongo walks over to Bonzo, Jr. and smacks him across the face. “Calm down will ya? Look bud, we’re going to have to talk this over.” Bongo grabs Bonzo, Jr. by the ear and drags him away from the agent and towards Machete’ and Zaran. “By the way Cheetah, double is twice as much.”

“Are you sure? My double scoop ice cream cones always have a smaller scoop on top than on bottom. Thus double isn’t equal to twice as much.”

“Hmmm…Grab that dictionary when you get a chance and look it up. I could’ve sworn that double was twice as much, but you’re ice cream argument has no flaw that I can see.”

As the Chimpinoids approach, Machete’ asks, “What did he want with you guys? You didn’t turn us in did you?”

“No. He wanted to offer us a job,” Bongo says.

“Yeah, and I’m taking it.” Bonzo, Jr. is about to start dancing again.

“Don’t dance or I’ll smack you again.” Bongo starts to pace. “Look guys, we’re really happy with you guys, but they’ve offered us double what you’re giving us.”

“I’m not surprised. Listen, they could give you a lot more than double what we’re paying.” Machete’ says and Zaran nods.

“You mean triple?” Cheetah, Jr. rubs his chin. “That’s almost three times as much.”

Zaran sighs. “Cheetah, it is three times as much.”

“But when I buy triple decker ice cream….”

Zaran cuts Cheetah, Jr. off. “How many times do I have to explain that you can’t use the ice cream cone example?”

“I don’t see a flaw in his logic,” Bongo says.

“Ice cream cones are not a way to prove a mathematical law.” Zaran rubgs his chin to think. “Ok, how many barrels does a shotgun have?”

“One!” All three chimps yell trying to be the first one to answer. Then Bongo starts to get angry. “Are you giving us another pop quiz? I don’t like pop quizzes. I bet the feds won’t make us take pop quizzes.”

“No they’ll train you by making you watch Speed.” Zaran shakes his head then continues, “This isn’t a quiz. I’m trying to disprove his ice cream argument with a shotgun argument. How many barrels on a double barreled shotgun?”

“Two.” Cheetah, Jr. says slowly.

“Right. Twice of one is two, and the double of one is two. So double equals twice. Got it?” Zaran smiles.

“That’s only if you’re talking shotguns. When you’re dealing with ice cream, double is almost as much as twice. I think you’re ignoring the real world here. Not all things double the same.” Cheetah, Jr. smiles.

“Can we get back to the important part?” Bonzo, Jr. asks.

“Sure.” Machete’ says.

“How much more could we get out of the feds than you guys?”

Bongo gasps. “Bonzo, you can’t be serious. You really want to leave?”

“You betcha! I want money and chicks.” Bonzo, Jr. turns to face Bongo. “Don’t you? Think of the bananas man!! Think of the bananas!! All that money! All those bananas!!”

“Do you think we could have banana splits every week?” Cheetah, Jr. nervously asks.

“Man oh man!!! We could eat them everyday.”

“Guys, don’t you think we owe some allegiance to the guys who hired us first?” Bongo asks.

Machete’ and Zaran look at each other before Machete’ approaches the chimps. “You guys do what you think is best for yourselves. We would be happy to have you stay, but neither one of us would want to hold you back from doing something you’d love.”

“You aren’t saying that to save on paying us our bananas?” Bonzo, Jr. asks.

Zaran shakes his head. “Bonzo, you still don’t get it. This has nothing to do with money. You should take this job if you think you’ll be happy doing it. Do you want to be hostage negotiators or superheroes?”

The three Chimpinoids go into a huddle.

“What do you think they’ll do?” Machete’ asks.

“I think Bongo and Cheetah will stay. They like us too much. But Bonzo is going to take the job. I hope not, but I can’t see him turning it down.”

“You’re probably right Zaran, but I think Cheetah likes the deal too. I’d really miss those guys if they leave.”

"I'd miss them too. I love those guys and it'll be hard to form a powerful team in Chicago without those guys."

"Yeah, but I think we did a good job with 'em. They've come a long way since we picked them up." Machete' smiles and says, "You remember when they thought it was okay to shoot the hostage?"

Zaran laughs. "I think they still do. You're right though, if we could get them to reform, it shouldn't be too hard to help others."

"Yeah, but having the chimps to scare people into reforming would've been easier." Machete' reaches over to pet Rapier. "Man, I hope they don't leave."

The Chimpanzee Commandos break their huddle and start to approach Machete’ and Zaran. As they get close, Bongo lowers his head. “I’m sorry guys, I’ve been outvoted 2-1. We’re going to be hostage negotiators. I’m really sorry.” Tears are running down his face.

“It’s ok. We’ll always keep the door open for you guys to join us.” Machete’ wipes a tear away.

Zaran steps up and shakes hands with all three chimpanzees. “You guys were a blast to travel with. Good luck.”

Bongo breaks down sobbing and hugs Zaran. “You’re like the father we never had. I love you man! Wwwwwaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!”

Machete’ walks over to Bonzo, Jr. and Cheetah, Jr. “You two take good care of him.” Machete’ gives Bonzo, Jr. a hug. “You be careful.” He lets go of Bonzo, Jr. and hugs Cheetah, Jr.

“Bongo it’s going to be ok.” Zaran helps Bongo back to his feet. “Just remember that you can come back anytime.” As Bongo reaches his feet, Zaran says, “Thanks for everything, especially that dad thing. You take care of your brothers. They need you to continue as their leader and mentor.”

“Thanks Zaran. I promise that we’ll call whenever we can.” Bongo reaches over and ruffles up Zaran’s hair. The big primate turns to Machete’ and lifts him off his feet with a big bear hug. “I love you too man!”

The three cybernetically enhanced chimpanzees turn around and walk off. Bongo looks back at Machete’ and Zaran every so often, tears are still running down his face.

Machete’ looks at Zaran, “I didn’t know you cared so much.”

Zaran gives a weak smile. “I didn’t know either.” He wipes a tear from his eyes. “At least I didn’t start crying until they left. I’ve got to be strong and all.”

“Well we should get going to Chicago. It’s going to be weird without them.” Machete’ walks toward the car.

Zaran mumbles, “The father they never had…it really hurts to see them go.” Zaran looks down at Rapier in his arms. “You better not go anywhere. I don’t think I could handle losing you too.” The three-headed puppy licks his face with three tongues.

The End

Special Interview:

The following interview was conducted between Champions #35 and Champions #45.

Mark Beaulieu: I've always wondered why you guys chose to use Chimpanzees in your early research?

Dr. Plexico: Well we prefer to work with primates whenever possible.

Dr. Bousquet: That's true. Unfortunately, primates aren't always the easiest to steal. You have to break into a zoo or some high-level research center to get them.

Dr. Plexico: Or you have to steal them from a studio company. Those guys are tough.

MB: That's nice, but why primates?

Dr. Plexico: Well they're smarter than other animals, which make them easier to work with. You don't have to up their intelligence as much.

Dr. Bousquet: That's one big reason, good friend, but you can't forget the independence issue. Primates work in groups in the wild and like to stay within groups after augmentation. However, they are still independent enough thinkers.

Dr. Plexico: Oh yes!! Good point! I had forgotten! We originally worked on dogs and cats, but the results were disastrous. The dogs had no independent thought whatsoever and just followed us around and used their equipment to grab food and fetch the paper. The repair costs to the kitchen were incredible.

Dr. Bousquet: It sure was. We couldn't afford the beta-gamma-theta inverter distortion ray because of the renovations to the kitchen. But the cats were even worse. They never did anything we'd say and then they'd disappear out the back door.

Dr. Plexico: Which they never waited for us to open!

Dr. Bousquet: And then they'd come back and scratch away whatever was left of the back door. And the dead animals they'd leave on the back porch were just disturbing. As a mad scientist, a dead animal is a wasted opportunity.

Dr. Plexico: I still remember burying that deer and thinking of the wasted possibilities. Antler rockets, antler ray beams, instant mulching mouth. All that and more, were wasted by those cats killing the poor unenhanced animals.

MB: So the dogs and cats didn't work out, why not rats?

Dr. Bousquet: Quite simply, they are so passe'. Every scientist works with rats at some point in their career. We didn't want to be common scientists.

Dr. Plexico: Also, rats are quite scary to people on their lonesome. It takes a master scientist to make something cute into a dreaded engine of destruction. Take Jerry the Giraffe. No one's scared of giraffes. But people were frightened by his towering presence and awesome weaponry.

Dr. Bousquet: Yes! To take something so gentle and make it into something fearful and deadly is a beautiful thing. My favorite was probably the hippopaterminator. What a great name and we made that hippo into something scary.

Dr. Plexico: That's true. We put a lot of work into the Platypusinator, but he's probably our biggest failure.

Dr. Bousquet: That's true.

MB: Why?

Dr. Plexico: He had a very limited vocabulary and really wasn’t that powerful. He did have a great battlecry though.

Dr. Bousquet: Oooooh!!! I had forgotten that. That battlecry moves him from the failure category. He really believed he was duck billed death incarnate. Poor deluded fool.

Dr. Plexico: He got beat up by a dog and the Black Widow. Wuss.

MB: Do you feel any remorse over Dr. Gow killing that female reporter, Lonni Holland?

Dr. Plexico: Nope.

Dr. Bousquet: I just wish I'd been the one who killed her.

MB: Where is Dr. Gow?

Dr. Plexico: He was a nice guy and all, but he just wasn't evil or mad enough.

Dr. Bousquet: We were spending too much time teaching him the evil laugh and the other basic mad scientist skills and not enough time on our ploys. Had to sever our ties with him.

MB: He broke you out of jail. Don't you owe him anything in return?

Dr. Bousquet: We tried to teach him to laugh. What more would he want from us?

Dr. Plexico: Could we end this interview now? We have to get back to working on breaking out of here.

MB: Sure. Thanks for the interview guys.

Note to Readers: That’s the end of the Road Trip mini-series. Machete' and Zaran will appear in the new series The Reformers. The Chimpinoids will show up at some point in the new series. I'm not going to forget about them. J

Rest Area:

The first letter is from TJ Burns. He's commenting on the first 3 issues. TJ writes the Liberty Legion:

Hey Mark! My... God. That was the funniest thing I
have ever read in my entire life. I'm pretty sure I've
alarmed my neighbors laughing out loud at the "shoot
the hostage" bit, and the sheer fun of every one of
these characters. Keep up the great work, and I can't
wait to see more of this mini!


TJB

Thanks TJ. This is the last issue of the mini, but Machete' and Zaran will be moving into an on-going series called the Reformers.

This next letter is from some guy named Adam Di Stefano. He writes some minor book for the Avengers branch. I think it's the Avengers or something.

Hey Mark,

Well, I said I'd get around to sending you comments about RT #2 and
#3, so here they are.  The comments for #2 were more in-depth the
first time I wrote them, but that's because the issue was much fresher
in my mind.  Anyhow.  Here we go.

Road Trip #2 was great.  Hilarious.  Better than #3, I think.  The
shoot the hostage joke was pretty funny, but what made it great was
when it was left behind, and then suddenly, at the most opportune time,
it popped up again, and that's when I laughed out loud.  Great stuff.
I think RT #2 has been my favourite issue yet.

Road Trip #3 was also good, but not *as* good.  I think you really
could have expanded more on the dictionary bit...  you could have a